If it was me
by aspiring2b
Summary: Dr Isles says the wrong thing causing Jane to pull away from her
1. Chapter 1

It was the smallest of touches, a slight touch on her shoulder but the finger traced along and brushed over the seem of the jumper and connected with her skin, electricity surged through her body and the weight of the previous forty-two hours faded away to nothing.

_Some things we don't talk about_

_Rather do without_

_And just hold the smile_

_Falling in and out of love_

_Same damn problem_

_Together all the while_

Walking down the street they slipped in to a familiar closeness, as Jane opened the door to the bar to allow Maura inside her hand slipped to the small of the medical examiners back to guide her. The pair took up there usual positions in the booth and without even needing to ask their drinks were brought over to the table. Jane rested her back against the wall and pulled her knees up on to the bench, Maura sat with perfect posture across the other side. Jane closed her eyes and sighed she couldn't get rid of the feeling that she failed, the sound of the bullet echoed through the air as she got out of the car. If she had arrived minutes earlier the young woman would still have been alive.

Maura knew the workings of the detectives mind better than the detective did her self. As soon as she received the call to notify her of another victims body she knew that Jane would blame herself. "It wasn't your fault, you couldn't have saved her. Her injuries would have meant she wouldn't have survived."

"I know Maura but she could have died with somebody there who cared, not been alone. She could have felt safe."

The medical examiner leaned across the table, her hand slipped over the long slender fingers of the woman she cared so much about. "If it had been me, just hearing the sirens, knowing that someone was coming would have made me feel that. It's not your fault Jane." She knew regardless of what she said this case would play on the detectives heart and mind for ages to come. That was one of the million reasons why she loved her so much.

_You can never say never_

_While we don't know when_

_But time and time again_

_Younger now than we were before_

Jane linked her fingers with the M.E, gave a small half hearted smile. It was all she could manage because inside she was crumbling. _If it had been me. _The thought of that was inconceivable, Jane couldn't lose Maura she was all she had to keep her going.

_Don't let me go, Don't let me go, Don't let me go. _

_Picture, you're the queen of everything_

_As far as the eye can see_

_Under your command_

_I will be your guardian_

_When all is crumbling_

_I steady your hand_

Maura knew that something was wrong, she'd tried to help but seemed to have only made things worse. Finishing her wine, she stood and took hold of Jane's hand leading her out of the bar and back into the street. Neither woman said a word, Jane's trust in the medical examiner was so strong that she didn't need to ask questions or feel anxious about what was going to happen. Maura opened the car door, keeping the connection with Jane for as long as possible. Walking round the car and getting into the drivers side she started the engine and headed back to her house.

_You can never say never_

_While we don't know when_

_Time, time, time again_

_Younger now than we were before_

Maura guided the fragile detective straight into the guest room, slipping off her jacket and shoes as they walked through the house. As Jane climbed up onto the bed Maura pushed the pillows up and then slipped off the brunettes shoes. Turning to leave the room, Jane reached out and grabbed the M.E's arm. "Don't go."

_Don't let me go, Don't let me go, Don't let me go._

Maura climbed up on to the bed, Jane instantly closed the gap between their bodies resting her head on to the blondes shoulder. Maura adjusted herself she decided to be a little bolder and that this situation needed it, she let her arm wrap around the detectives shoulders and pulled her in closer. The added closeness relaxed Jane slightly and they sank into the pillows, Maura let her head rest on top of the detectives resisting the urge to place small kisses on the detectives temple.

_We're falling apart and coming together again and again_

_We're growing apart but we pull it together, pull it together, together._

As time passed Maura could feel the tension ease from the detectives body. "It's because I said if it was me, thats why you got like this." Jane pulled away from the embrace, moving to the edge of the bed turning her back on the blonde and began rubbing her hands. Maura closed the gap, kneeling on the bed she waited, she knew Jane would talk in her own time and then Maura would comfort her. Jane didn't speak she just kept rubbing at her hands, Maura decided to give her a little nudge. Her hand drifted to the detectives shoulder "please tell me."

Jane dropped her head, running her hands through her hair. "Don't make me say." Maura didn't answer but instead soothingly let her hand travel up and down Jane's neck, she could feel the pulse beneath her fingers quicken. Jane almost growled in frustration but she could never resist Maura, anything she asked for or wanted it didn't matter how much Jane wanted to deny her, she couldn't. "Yer Maur, you can't say things like that."

"I was just trying to make you understand that knowing you were on your way was enough, it would have helped her." Jane pulled away from Maura's touch, standing in the middle of the room.

Jane finally let go and let her feelings out. "I wasn't enough and I let her down, I wasn't fast enough or good enough and that's on me. I let that girl down and she died alone because of me" There wasn't away to stop, she pulled out the plug and know everything was flowing out, two days with no sleep added to the emotional rant. "I feel like this for a stranger but what if it had been you and I couldn't get to you, couldn't save you." Maura crossed the room and tried to take Jane's hands, but the detective moved away. "Your too much in my head, in my heart, jesus christ maur!"

Maura tried to get close to the detective but every time she reached out Jane moved or pulled away. "why is that such a bad thing Jane? why is caring wrong?"

"because it, it just is!" Jane stormed out the bedroom, before Maura could react she heard the front door slam shut. Maura realized that tears were falling from her eyes, she couldn't move just stayed centered in the now empty room.

Jane walked, she had no choice her car was still at the station, but those words _If it had been me,_ it was like the key. Jane had always cared for Maura, she had been her best friend from almost the moment they met but those words and the chain reaction of emotions that they caused made her finally understand. She was in love with Dr Maura Isles. Turning the corner from the end of Maura's road she stepped in a puddle, that was when Detective Jane Rizzoli looked down to find that she was without shoes, Damn Maura and her taking care of her. Stood in the middle of the road Jane debated, keep walking in her socks or go back. The keep walking won if anything she was too embarrassed by her outburst to go back. Pulling out her cellphone she called her little brother to come top the rescue.


	2. Chapter 2

It was quiet, no murders or call outs this suited Jane. She had all the evidence from the M.E on the cold cases so could avoid going down to see Maura. Every time Maura came towards the detective she would find a reason or an excuse to get away as fast as she could. Jane was in a mood and snapping at everyone, as she and Frost sat in the car staking out their prime suspect from new leads that they had unearthed he finally had enough, "I don't know what happened, what she supposedly did but stop punishing her."

Jane stopped sipping her coffee "Excuse me?!"

Frost instantly regretted his plan of confronting his partner, he wished he'd just sucked it up and dealt with the bad mood. It was too late now he had to continue; "you and Dr Isles everyone has noticed that you aren't speaking and that you keep running off every time she comes near you. She's the one person that is always there for you, when you shot yourself she didn't leave you for days and this is how you treat her."

Jane opened and closed her mouth over and over again, she wanted to be mad at him, to argue but she knew he was right. She was punishing Maura for her own feelings and it wasn't fair on the Dr, or anyone else apparently.

As the next team arrived to take over the surveillance Jane and Frost drove bake to the station. For the first time in nearly two weeks Jane pressed the down button on the elevator. She could see Maura in her office, Jane just stopped the view before her rendered the thoughts to fall from her mind. She was rooted to the spot, Maura looked up and their eyes met. Jane could tell that she was hurting the M.E. Maura let her eyes flick to the phone that was ringing by the time she looked back Jane had left her again.

Maura answered the phone her assistants believed that a slip and fall wasn't so simple. Grabbing her kit the doctor headed out to the possible crime scene. Arriving at the house Maura ducked underneath the crime tape as she was directed towards the bodies location. As she arrived at the body she could see the slender form of Detective Rizzoli crouching over the body she watched as the long brunette hair was swept back. Maura was content to watch for just a few minutes more having missed the sight of the detective.

Jane knew instantly that Maura was stood behind her, when she entered the room she smelt the sweet perfume. Surprised that Maura didn't announce her presence Jane took it upon herself to break the silence, turning and standing slowly she gave a small smile, it was an involuntary action to seeing the doctor, always out of her control. "The security guard called us after going over the footage, some guy in a hood and mask is seen shoving our victim here against the statue. There's no ID on the victim." Jane was annoyed at herself she hadn't spoken to Maura in weeks, she wanted to tell her she was sorry, to ask how she was but all she could manage was to be professional, she could see that every blunt word and the abrupt tone was hurting Maura.

If Jane wanted professional then thats what Maura would give her; "Ok Detective, if you can move out the way so I can do an initial examination." Jane stepped back, Maura never called her Detective, she was seriously messing things up.

The room cleared and Jane was left watching Dr Isles, she wanted to question her, trick her into to revealing her guesses and hunches but it didn't feel right. "what can you tell?"

Maura didn't even turn round she kept examining the body, swabbing at substances on the shirt. "Without tests, I cannot provide you with a significant answer."

"Well what can you say Dr Isles" Jane cringed as the words left her mouth she felt like a sarcastic school child. Before Maura answered Jane added a quick "Im sorry"

Maura stood to face Jane "What exactly are you sorry for? the sarcasm? the ignoring me for two weeks? or maybe storming out of my house in your socks and slamming the door behind you?"

Jane looked down hunching her shoulders and began to fidget she had well and truly just been put in her place by the medical examiner and now she understood just how childish all of her behavior had been. Instead of owning up to all of it however Jane replied "The sarcasm" she wasn't ready to own up to the rest of it because she knew an explanation would be demanded.

"Well in that case you will have to wait until I have done the testing." With that Maura put her samples in her bag and walked out leaving Jane stood there with the dead body.

The victim was identified quickly by his finger prints and Dr Isles had found blood on the victims knuckles. The mask and hood had obscured the perps face from view but it hadn't stopped the transfer of blood after he was punched in the nose as the victim struggled for his life. Frost had managed to clean up the CCTV footage and expand the shot so the entire event was in view. An open and shut case in less than four hours from the call.

There was no need to stay late in the lab today, Maura headed out early for once. All day she had been annoyed by Jane's approach to her it was worse than the avoidance. Maura left the station and headed to her yoga class in an attempts to unwind. It felt like being back at boarding school, she felt alone. Jane had always made her feel like she belonged, the detective made her understand the social cues she missed or explained her behavior to others. Jane made it ok for her to be herself but today she lost that feeling, it had been slipping away since that night in the guest room but now it was properly gone.

Jane left the interview room with a full confession, sitting down at her desk she began to fill out the paper work. She felt awful about how she had been treating Maura, deciding that she needed to go and apologize. Taking the stairs to give herself more time to prepare she decided she needed an excuse to see Maura, stopping in the cafe she poured out a coffee just as she turned to leave the unflattering tone of her mothers voice travelled across the entire room. "JANE RIZZOLI! I hope your proud of yourself young lady, I thought I raised you better than that, obviously I failed."

"gesh ma, what have I done now?" It was typical for her to be blamed for everything that happened in the world and for her mum to take it personally.

"You know good and proper what you have done young lady."

"No ma, I really don't."

"That girl is like a daughter to me and I will not have you upsetting her, how could you be so cruel." And with that it clicked into place, someone had blabbed to her mum about how she had been acting with Maura.

"I'm not being cruel ma" There was no reply just the I am your mother look and I am right all the time face, "It's complicated" not that it would do any good but Jane actually tried to pout at her mother.

"Well un-complicate it, I did not raise you to act like this, Im so embarrassed. After all Maura has done for this family"

Jane interrupted "Give it a rest ma, I'm going down to apologize now." Taking the coffee Jane returned to the door marked stairs.

"Maura has already left she came and said good-bye on her way out. Like a nice and polite daughter would." Jane handed her mother the coffee and walked out. Deciding that she too would call it a day. Maura deserved an apology and Jane knew exactly where she would be.

Jane changed in the locker room and ran down the hall, she knew that late comers weren't allowed into the class. She knew that Maura would already be inside having prepared and stretched in preparation for the yoga class. Jane just hoped that the instructor would allow her in having been nearly kicked out last time for laughing and speaking on the phone. With one minute to spare Jane headed into the room, Maura was already at the front of the class and had people either side her. Jane moved to the front "Hi excuse me is it ok to swap, I just need to talk to Maura before the class starts." The young ginger woman smiled and moved to the next mat over.

"what are you doing here?" Maura seemed genuinely annoyed at Jane's sudden appearance.

Before Jane could answer there was a call for silence and the instructor looked directly at her. Taking up there first positions Maura began concentrating on mastering the positions. Jane followed suit but without the same grace displayed by the doctor. Finally as the instructor moved away Jane tried to whisper; "Im sorry for how I've been acting." Except it was too quiet and hushed for Maura to decipher.

Maura looked at Jane with a questioning look, as Jane began to say it the instructor came over and told her to be quiet. As soon as he moved to help someone else in the class Jane attempted to say it again but Maura whispered back that she couldn't understand. Before Jane had a chance to try again a strong hand was placed on her shoulder, "Leave now" and he pointed to the door.

Having already been kicked out and knowing that she really wouldn't be coming back again Jane decide to just say it out loud as she opened the door. "Maura I'm sorry for how I acted and how I've been treating you." Maura looked back surprised that the stubborn detective had not only apologized but had done it in front of over twenty people. Maura smiled back at Jane letting her know that the apology was accepted.


	3. Chapter 3

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Jane felt better for having said sorry but she still couldn't let things get back to how they were. As the cases came and went Jane kept Maura at arm's length or further if that was at all possible. It hurt every time but she knew that it had to be done.

Maura was annoyed at the fact that Jane had become distant and still acted like they were no longer best friends, sometimes she even wondered if they were still friends at all. Maura couldn't think straight she had the chemical compounds in front of her but for the life of her didn't know what substance they made up. It was like nothing she had ever seen before. Any other time she would have confided in Jane, they would have talked, she would have shown complete confidence in the doctors skills. Now she felt completely alone and was doubting her own abilities. She really did feel like a dumb genius. Maura knew that there was someone smarter than her in this field who might be able to give her some answers, a professor at the university.

Jane sat across the table from her mother, she was being lectured about her supposed attitude. Frankie had let slip that she had to be pulled off a suspect after losing her temper with him. Everyone was worried, Jane had always been passionate and cared too much about all her cases but she never crossed the line. Until now. Jane wasn't listening but from decades of experience she knew where to put all the right sounds like she was agreeing with her mother.

Maura sat in the professors office making polite conversation and then she got down to business, she showed him the paper work with all the chemical compounds. Maura instantly noted the reaction of the professor and began to regret coming alone, she missed the security blanket that Jane was to her. The professor asked for Maura to follow him to his lab.

Jane leaned back in her chair frustrated by the fact that there was no developments since she had left earlier before. "You have to be kidding me, nothing new? Really?" All she got in reply was a shake of the head. Jane dialed down to the morgue to see if Maura had any new developments, the phone just rang and rang. Ten minutes later she tried again, by the third attempt Jane slammed the phone down hard. "Where's Maura? She's not answering?"

"She went out to speak to some professor type about the chemicals" Korsak answered. Something didn't feel right but Jane just tried to shrug it off, maybe it was just the fact that she wasn't there to look after her. Jane's phone beeped the lab had sent her the results of the partial DNA found at the scene.

"Did Maura say the name of the professor?" Jane's mind was racing and a panic was building inside.

"It was something like shoe" Korsak wasn't fully listening.

"You mean Schut" Korsak didn't need to answer, the simple fact that he looked up told Jane everything. She didn't wait to finish the conversation she started running. Out to the stairs, down to the steps jumping the last few in each flight. Running faster each level she ran out through the lobby, calling for people to move. Jane pushed her way through the security turnstiles pressing the unlock button to her car as she went.

Korsak stayed in the op's centre, Frost was already out in the field. He called all available units, sending them to the university. As usual he was two steps behind Rizzoli but he knew that she would need back up.

Maura was reading the research notes whilst Professor Schut demonstrated his experiment. As he slipped on the industrial gloves to pull out his creation Maura noted how the substance stuck to the gloves until it fully cooled under the air vent.

Jane pulled out into the traffic, pressing her foot down on the accelerator and overtaking all in her way. Pulling around onto the wrong side of the road Jane cut across the traffic, her wheels spinning as she turned hard. She could hear the sirens and knew that back up was on the way. Her siren blaring Jane didn't stop in the parking lot, driving straight down the path with Korsak directing her to which building the professor was based in.

That's when it twigged for Maura those gloves are what caused the transfer. The hands wearing those gloves strangled and suffocated the innocent woman who had been laying on her autopsy table. Maura reached for her phone but the professor noticed. "I can't let you do that I'm afraid Dr Isles" Stepping forward he knocked the phone out of Maura's hand, twisting her wrist and pulling her up. He placed his hands on her throat and threw her down into the corner of the room. Her breath caught in her throat, trying to think of words that would help and coming up blank Maura had to stifle a cry. Pain was radiating over her body and her mind slipped in to self diagnosis. The professor leaned over her, gagging her and then binding her wrists tighter than necessary with the zip-ties. They instantly dug into the soft skin of the Doctors wrists, the more she fought against them the deeper they cut. "Feel honored Doctor I hold you in to high a standard to kill you right now."

Jane pulled up outside the building, flashing her badge security opened the door. In the reflection of the glass she could see the squad cars pull up behind her car. Frost was running flat out to catch up. Jane ran with the security guard "we checked his office Detective it's empty"

"Where's his lab? He has to be in there." Tearing down the corridor Rizzoli was leaving the guard behind so he called out the directions. Jane played them over and over again in her head. _Turn right and forth door down. _She had to get to Maura.

Schut could hear the sirens, he knew his time was up but he had to try to get out. Pulling Maura up by her hair he dragged her out of the room planning to use her as a shield. Jane almost slipped on the polished floor as she turned the corner. But as she righted herself her eyes locked straight on Maura and her heart felt like it stopped. The sight of Maura, wrists bound and bleeding, the fear on her face was enough to haunt Jane for the rest of her life. This was all her fault, she should have been here.

Jane pulled her gun her hands shaking slightly, pulling a gun on Maura seemed so wrong. "Stop, Boston Homicide. Let the doctor go" The professor pulled Maura in front of him using her as a human shield. Frost and the backup arrived.

"Maura its going to be ok, I promise." Jane could see the smallest relief in the doctors eyes. The trust between them was so strong no matter what happened between them, they both trusted the other with their life.


	4. Chapter 4

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_If I only could, I'd be running up that hill._

_If I only could, I'd be running up that hill._

Maura tried to pull against the arm holding her, she wanted to close the gap between her and Jane. She wanted Jane to hold her and set her free but he pulled her closer towards him. As he did the plastic binds cut further into her wrists and she let out a cry. Instantly she could see that the physical pain it was causing her was hurting Jane more inside.

_It doesn't hurt me._

_Do you want to feel how it feels? _

_Do you want to know that it doesn't hurt me? _

_Do you want to hear about the deal that Im making? _

_You, it's you and me._

Jane was trying her best to talk the professor down but it wasn't helping. He reached behind his back and pulled out a knife placing it against Maura's neck. The cool tip causing her skin to prickle and her heart to race even more. Maura realized she had only seen Jane look this scared once before, when Hoyt had cut her throat. The detectives pleadings became desperate. Maura tried to push down all her fear she looked at Jane with clear eyes. She wanted the detective to know that she believed in her.

_And if I only could,_

_Id make a deal with god,_

_And I'd get him to swap our places,_

_Be running up that road,_

_Be running up that hill,_

_Be running up that building._

_If I only could, oh.._

Jane was panicking she needed to get Maura away from this guy, it was bad enough at the start but now he was holding a knife against the woman she loved things were desperate. "Take me, Let the doctor go and you can get out of here with me as a hostage." Frost looked at Jane critically, this was not a good plan.

"Detective, I know your reputation. You won't hesitate to be shot as a hostage. Whereas the doctor here isn't just a M.E is she. I think she is a much more worthy hostage than you. Now step aside and let us leave." Schut tried to take a step forward but the two lead detectives and the four police officers behind them didn't falter.

_You don't want to hurt me,_

_But see how deep the bullet lies._

_Unaware Im tearing you asunder._

_Ooh, there is thunder in our hearts._

Maura couldn't take her eyes of Jane, she could see how hard the doctor was trying to find away out of this. Jane's eyes were darting all over the place, then she looked down. Maura knew the look that spread across her friends face, it was the same one she had seen when Jane pulled the gun down from Connors and risked her own life to take him down. Jane had a plan.

_Is there so much hate for the ones we love? _

_Tell me, we both matter, don't we? _

_You, it's you and me._

_Its you and me wont be unhappy._

_And if I only could,_

_Id make a deal with god,_

_And I'd get him to swap our places,_

_Be running up that road,_

_Be running up that hill,_

_Be running up that building,_

_Say, if I only could, oh..._

Jane started talking to Maura, ignoring Schut. She didn't let her eyes break from the connection that she held with Maura. Jane had to admire how brave the doctor looked. "Only you could still look like a runway model whilst being held hostage. High heels, really Maur?" Jane tilted her head slightly toward the stilettos.

_You,_

_Its you and me,_

_Its you and me wont be unhappy._

_Cmon, baby, cmon darling,_

_Let me steal this moment from you now._

_Cmon, angel, cmon, cmon, darling,_

_Lets exchange the experience, oh..._

Maura understood, she crossed her legs slightly and pushed against the back of her heel. Jane took a deep breath in. Her finger squeezed the trigger.

_And if I only could,_

_Id make a deal with god,_

_And I'd get him to swap our places,_

_Be running up that road,_

_Be running up that hill,_

_With no problems._

The bullet flew true and straight.

_And if I only could,_

_Id make a deal with god,_

_And I'd get him to swap our places,_

_Be running up that road,_

_Be running up that hill,_

_With no problems._

Maura pushed her left heel off, Schut's grip couldn't counter for the sudden drop of 4 inches, but it didn't happen fast enough.

_And if I only could,_

_Id make a deal with god,_

_And I'd get him to swap our places,_

_Be running up that road,_

_Be running up that hill,_

_With no problems._

As soon as Jane released her finger from the trigger she was running forward. Arms out stretched ready to pull Maura into her. The bullet struck Schut straight in neck. As he fell Maura fell as well.

Jane was down on her knees and skidded to Maura's side. Frost ran and took care of making sure that Schut was dead. None of that mattered though. Jane propped Maura up against her, carefully she let her fingers travel over the doctors cheeks feeling the warmth of her skin as she pulled out the gag. All Maura could manage was a hushed "Jane".

"It's ok I'm here. I'm not going anywhere, I'm here, I'm sorry." Jane was looking down her hand was damp and sticky, she couldn't understand there was blood. There shouldn't have been blood Maura hadn't been shot, the knife had been dropped away from Maura.

"Saved by shoes you can't moan at me for wearing them now." Jane held Maura closer to her. She stroked the M.E's hair as she placed pressure on the wound. The bullet had torn through the skin above Maura's clavicle on its way into Schut's neck. Frost huddled over them both and cut the zip tie to Maura's hands. She didn't want to but the pain of the blood rushing back to the cuts and the plastic being pulled out was too much, Maura let out an agonizing cry.

_If I only could_

_Be running up that hill_

_With no problems..._

Jane helped Maura up, holding her close and letting the doctor lean on her. "Maur you can wear any shoes you want." She guided the woman out through all the officers and onlookers and into the back of the waiting ambulance. She wrapped the blanket the EMT handed her around the doctor, placing a soft kiss on the top of the doctors head, reluctantly stepping aside to allow the EMT to treat Maura's injuries.

_If I only could, I'd be running up that hill._

_If I only could_

_Be running up that hill_

_With no problems_

Jane sat on the curb her hands were shaking, she had just shot her best friend. She had just shot the person she was in love with. Maura sat watching from the edge of the ambulance, trying to insist that she was qualified enough to look after her own injuries. Holding the gauze pad to her bullet wound Maura approached the crumbling detective.

"Don't Maur, I'm so sorry I got you shot." Tears were falling down her cheeks.

"I needed to get you to talk to me somehow." Maura attempted a smile

"Did you really just make a joke? I shot you and you decide now to get a sense of humor." Maura sat down dusting the curb first. Jane rested her head on the doctors shoulder the smell of her perfume relaxing her. "Are you ok?"

"I need stitches but I will be, can you take me?" Jane nodded. Standing up and practically lifting Maura she guided her to the car.


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you again for the reviews. Keep them coming and I'll keep adding new chapters. **

Maura sat in the hospital bay with Jane standing agitated besides her "Seriously she's the chief medical examiner somebody see her already." The nurse at the station tried to explain again that they needed to wait.

Maura would have usually tried to make Jane become more patient but she was sat quietly replaying what had happened. She was in shock and she couldn't think clearly. A medical resident approached with a suture kit, Jane stepped in front of Maura; "wo wo wo back up there junior. Proper doctors only! Go find one of those plastic surgeons. I want these stitches done properly."

"I'm qualified" the resident said, Jane flashed him her gun and badge which caused him to run of promptly. Jane turned back to Maura and let her arm slip protectively around the doctors shoulders.

"Did you just make that doctor cry?" Frost called out half laughing as he came with gifts of coffee for the two women.

"What no, he can't be that sensitive." Jane shrugged it off taking a sip of her coffee and the spitting it back, giving Frost the evil eye in the process.

"Best I could do, How's Dr Isles?" Frost looked concerned.

"She's in shock, she keeps muttering something about her bodies response to a drop in adrenalin. I think what she really means is my best friend just shot me."

"Dr Isles is alive because of you, she was being held hostage. You saved her." Jane knew Frost was right, she had little choice of what her actions should be yet she felt ridiculously guilty.

"It's my fault she was there alone. So that makes it my fault why she is here." Jane turned her back to everyone and attempted to compose herself.

Finally someone Jane approved of with the appropriate medical credentials came to stitch Maura up. Jane was allowed to take the doctor home, the whole drive she kept trying to apologize for what had happened. Before they could even open the door Angela Rizzoli beat them to it and pulled both woman in to hug. "JANE CLEMENTINE RIZZOLI how could you shoot your best friend?"

"Ma, you don't think I feel bad enough already? You need to add some extra guilt on top?" Jane was waving her arms and protesting her mothers accusation.

Maura spoke up as Angela swept her into the lounge and ordered her to put her feet up and rest. "I wasn't the intended target and really it was a primal reaction the sudden surge in chemicals to the brain caused her to react out of instinct rather than waiting for an extra 0.6 seconds which would have been the opportune time to fire and hit only my capture rather than both of us."

"SO you did shoot her. .6 seconds Jane, you couldn't have waited?" Her mother was fussing.

"I'll remember that Ma if you get held at knife point I'l wait that little bit longer before I pull the trigger. Let the knife get you instead of the bullet." Jane turned to Maura "Primal? So you do blame me."

"Yes, no. It was a physical reaction you couldn't control it. So no Jane I do not blame you." Maura offered a smile, the smile that always seemed to melt Jane's heart.

"You should get some rest, Ma will love looking after you." Jane turned and walked out leaving Maura stood alone in the lounge. Primal instinct or not it was too hard at the moment to face Maura. Now she knew she was safe she felt like she couldn't face her.

Jane got changed in to her work out clothes, wrapped her hands and started punching. Every hit into the bag was something she was mad at, something she had messed up. Each swing was an attempt to get rid of the burden she felt pushing down on her soul.

Maura lay in her bed surround by large luxurious pillows and wrapped in silk sheets but she couldn't get comfortable. Each time she closed her eyes to try and sleep all she could see in her mind's eye was the events of earlier that night.

Jane punched until her hands were sore, until her arms were so exhausted that she could barley lift them but she felt no rest-bite. The bad in her life was beginning to significantly out weigh the good. Standing under the cold shower she hoped that it would clear her mind and allow her some calm. Sleep hardly happened as it was, let alone adding todays events to the pile as well.

Maura gave up trying to sleep, not even bothering to change out of her pajamas she took her car keys from the dish, slipped out the front door and drove to the one place she knew she would always feel safe.

Jane heard a knock at the door checking the time on the clock she thought it best to slip her gun from the bedside table and hide it at her back. Approaching the door and checking the peep hole. Poised and ready for a sarcastic remark Jane wasn't ready for Maura to just lunge straight at her but instinctively she wrapped her arms tight around the doctor and held the woman as close as she could pushing the door shut as she attempted to move them both inside. Maura's hands slipped down Jane's back and she felt the gun. "A gun in your pajamas were you planning on shooting me again?"

Jane took out the gun and placed it on the counter "I thought it was my mother here for revenge after shooting her precious Dr Isles."

"Just be glad paddy's in jail, he would have ice-picked you."

Jane went to the fridge and pulled out two beers offering one to Maura. "That's true, guess you can't sleep?"

Maura looked down at her wrists "No, and from the boxing wraps I you couldn't either?"

"I thought you didn't do guesses?" Jane tipped some popcorn into a bowl and turned on the TV.

"I don't that was fact and because I know you so well." Maura joined Jane on the sofa, sitting close enough that there arms were touching. Maura rested her head on Jane's shoulder. "I missed you"

Jane rested her head against the blondes, questioning how she could have ever tried to push this amazing woman out of her life. Even shooting her couldn't get this woman to stay away. "I'm sorry, I was a jerk."

Jane could feel Maura's breathing slow, looking down the doctor had fallen asleep clinging on to Jane's hand. Slowly Jane maneuvered herself away from the doctor. Laying her flat on the sofa and tucking the blanket around the doctor, Jane couldn't help but think how innocent and peaceful Maura looked. Leaning over Jane placed the softest of kisses on Maura's cheek and went to bed.

Maura let her eyes open slowly, slightly disoriented as to where she was and wondering what the noise was that she could hear. Sitting up from Jane's couch she made her way to the kitchen area pouring a glass of water she listened carefully. She could hear the rustling of sheets, groans and mumbling. Turning the handle and opening the door she could see that Jane was in the midst of having a nightmare. She new that these were constant and frequent visitors to Jane, it was hardly surprising after everything the woman had been through in the past few years. Maura slipped silently into the room, placing her cup of water on the nightstand she slipped into the sheets. Jane rolled on to her side, still in the clutches of her nightmare, Maura let herself fit into the curves of Jane's body pressing against the detectives back. Slipping her arm over the perfectly sculpted body and letting there fingers intertwine. Almost instantly Jane's body calmed, her breathing slowed. Maura let her lips rest against the bare skin of Jane's shoulder and whispered "It's ok I'm here"


	6. Chapter 6

**Thank you for all the reviews. Keep them coming I might hold the next chapters hostage for more reviews?! **

Jane tried to roll over but there was something stopping her, tilting her head slightly she could see an arm draped over her. She could feel Maura's leg snaked around her. Jane let her eyes close enjoying the comfort and feeling of being held like this, no wonder she had slept through the night. Carefully untangling herself from the sleeping doctor once more, she headed into the shower trying to be quiet. Sneaking back into the room to get her clothes and badge Jane's heart warmed at the sight of Maura still asleep cuddling her pillow. Reluctantly Jane left the doctor sleeping and went into work.

As she stepped out into the hall her phone rang; "Hi Mom." Holding the phone away from her ear as she had to listen to her mother panicking and talking excessively loudly. "ma.. Ma listen to me. She's at mine. She fine, she turned up during the night. Don't panic." Jane had to listen to the whole story again, her mom had gone to take coffee into Maura and found an empty bed. Panicking straight away!

Jane sat at her desk filling out all the paper work from the incident the day before, and there was a lot of it. She'd been benched from going out to crime scenes until it was all filled and signed off. Finally finishing it she headed down to collect the lab results of the teams latest case, she expected to just find the lab techs or if they were really unlucky Dr Pike. As she walked around the corner and looked through the glass she could see the flowing light brown almost blonde hair of Dr Isles the butterflies exploded in Jane's stomach. The doctor wasn't in her usual high fashion clothes she was in Jane's Boston Police department t-shirt and a pair of the detectives trousers. Jane could see her searching through the cabinets in her office looking for the spare outfits she always kept for emergencies. Jane decided she liked the look of the t-shirt better on the doctor than on herself.

Maura could feel that somebody was watching her she could see in the reflection of the glass panels that Jane was watching her with a small smile on her face, but as Maura turned round to speak to the detective she noted how Jane's smiled vanished as her eyes flashed down to the bandages on her wrists. "You should have woken me, I was late in and didn't have time to go home and change."

Jane didn't process the next words out of her mouth "I think you look good in that top."

Smiling at Jane's slight slip up Maura went a little bit shy "I hope it's ok, it felt comforting to wear it."

"Maura your allowed a few days off you know, you shouldn't be here."

"I want to keep busy and I'm fine, really" This didn't ease Jane's concerns but before they could continue she was called away by Korsak.

Maura pulled out the tray and looked at the lifeless form of the man who had tried to use her as a human shield, who had murdered a young woman. She had trusted this man, thought that he was honest and could help. The autopsy wasn't needed they knew what had killed him, it was just a formality to tick all the right boxes and sign the paper work. Someone else could have taken care of it but she had hoped it would help her to face him, to know it was over and he couldn't do anything against her but it didn't. Her hands were shaking and she dropped the scalpel, stepping back she knocked over the tray of instruments sending it clattering to the floor. Her mind began to play tricks on her she felt like his hands were at her throat. Maura backed up against the wall, flash backs of the day before but twisted with her encounters with Hoyt and Dennis. She could feel her heart hammering and it was hard to catch her breath. Sliding down the wall she sat on the floor and pulled her knees close to her, pulling off the gown and tilting her head she tried to get hold of herself. She felt so weak.

Maura couldn't sleep, couldn't eat and whenever she was on her own she always felt like she was going to have a panic attack but she was trying to hide it. The only one who noticed that there was something wrong was Jane but she wouldn't admit it to the detective always changing the subject or saying that she was ok. Knowing that everyone else had left Maura went up to the op's centre she had heard that Frost was there trying to Hack into an encrypted file. Knocking on the door she waited to speak until the young detective looked up at her, she didn't want to interrupt.

"Dr Isles, Jane's already left." He was surprised to see the Dr.

"I know, it was you I wanted to speak to, but this needs to stay between us." She could see the slight uncomfortable look on Frost's face "Its nothing serious I just need your help with something."

He had always liked the Dr she never made fun of him for his struggles around the dead bodies they faced and even stopped Jane from teasing him after he fainted. "What can I do for you?"

"Jane refers to your fighting skills in very high regard, I was hoping that maybe you could teach me." She had racked her brains, read all the research and she needed to do something proactive about her panic attacks. She needed to stop feeling helpless.

"You want to fight?" Frost was confused, surely Jane would be the logical choice for the Dr.

"No, to defend myself. Jane can't find out though. I don't want anyone to know." Frost agreed, packing up his things he gave the Dr an address to the gym he trained at and told her to meet him there in an hour.

Maura had to admire Frost, he was an excellent teacher but more for the fact that he protected her secret from his partner. She could tell he was concerned for her and her reasons why she wanted to learn but he never pressured her. Even when he had found her midst panic attack in the morgue, he had looked after her, distracted her and not told anyone. He was very loyal and she found a certain safety in that. They had been training after work and on day's off for nearly two weeks and there new found bond hadn't gone unnoticed by Jane.

Jane blamed herself she had pushed Maura away and she was still keeping her distance unsure of how to manage her feelings for the doctor but lately she had gone to visit her mother to be informed that the doctor was out most evenings. She had tried to arrange to go for drinks only to be turned down and even when results were in at the lab it used to be a given that it was Jane who would go and get them but lately Maura had been requesting Frost. Even Korsak was joking that she had been replaced. She could tell that Frost was hiding something from her as well.

As they walked down the alley looking for a homeless woman who had apparently witnessed the murder of a young boy Jane looked over Frost's shoulder as a text came through seeing the name on the screen as Dr Isles. Frost just slipped the phone back in his pocket. That was the final straw for Jane she could feel the jealousy building up inside her. "What's going on with you and Maura. Are you together?"

Frost stopped and laughed "Are you serious? No of course not."

Jane didn't believe him "You can't tell me there isn't something going on, your like bff's lately"

"You are so jealous!" Frost was laughing at the older detective.

"No" Frost raised his eyebrows "No I'm not. Tell me what it is then if your not sleeping together."

"I can't I promised her I wouldn't, but you have nothing to worry about from me I'm just helping her out."

"Helping her with what?" Jane's was even more curious now, the jealousy slightly ebed away from believing that Frost and Maura weren't together.

"I already said too much, just give her some time and speak to her. Anyway you cant be annoyed at her for spending time with other people when you haven't exactly wanted to be her bff. She misses you, I'm no good at being a Jane Rizzoli substitute" Frost felt like he had slightly betrayed Maura.

"It's complicated I just need some time to sort things out." Jane felt bad for having reacted to the Frost/Maura situation like she had done. It was her fault for pushing Maura away anyway.

The panic attacks were subsiding but they were still there, she couldn't make them go away completely. She could still hardly sleep and it was only when Frost was training her did she feel remotely calm. Frost had saved her from being found out on more than one occasion and she was extremely grateful to him. She couldn't let Jane know that she was suffering this badly, all that Jane had gone through and her strength, bravery or sanity had never faulted. Maura had been through nothing compared to the detective yet she wasn't strong enough to cope.

Her phone rang but she was already awake. Arriving at the murder scene she was the first one there besides the uniformed officers. Five bodies, she was in for a busy night. As she examined the first body without disturbing it too much she could see that the throat had been slit. Her chest tightened. Next body, stabbed and shot. The darkness and the shadows added to the anxiety she felt, her eyes darting around the room. The final body was in a small alley created by the gap between two building it was branching off from where the rest of the bodies were.

Detective Rizzoli arrived at the scene, she had been told that Maura was already here but as she looked down the alley she couldn't see her. Ignoring the bodies Jane stepped carefully around them deciding to find Maura first before taking a look at the victims.

Maura crouched over the body, at the end of the alley she could see some crates and barrels. Maura thought she could see something moving but it was still too dark to be able to make things out clearly. Her panic attack was gripping at her, as she took some deep breaths the crates feel down as something jumped out at her. Screaming Maura fell back. It was only a cat but it had scared her and she lost control her panic attack took full control. Tears fell from her face and she gripped her chest.

Jane heard the scream and not caring about where she was treading ran towards the noise, gun drawn. She knew it was Maura and her mind skipped straight to the worst scenarios. As she shone her torch down the alley she could see Maura huddled into a little ball. Within seconds Jane's arms were around the doctor, letting her sob into her shoulder. "Are you hurt, what happened?" Maura couldn't answer she was struggling to breath so Jane had to check her over. Not being able to see anything Jane shone her torch around and saw the barrels laying on their side, she saw the cat that was clawing its way up the fence. Maura's scream had drawn all the available officers towards them so Jane shouted at them to go away. She didn't want them seeing Maura like this. Taking off her Jacket and placing it over the doctor shoulders Jane scooted the doctor back so she was leaning against the wall. Jane kneeled over the doctors legs and lifted Maura's chin. The doctor wouldn't look at her. Jane put her hands either side of Maura's face using her thumbs to wipe away some of the tears. "look at me." Maura didn't "Maura look at me." Slowly the doctor raised her eyes to meet the brown orbs of the detectives. "Just breath, slow deep breaths."

The contact with Jane was helping, but Maura felt so ashamed, she felt embarrassed. She had never wanted Jane to see her like this. Jane kept caressing her cheeks and as her breathing slowed the hammering in her chest subsided. Jane moved to the side of Maura and slipped her hand into the doctors. "This has happened before hasn't it."

Maura couldn't lie so she had to answer "yes" She went to pull her hand away from Jane but the detective clasped her fingers tighter.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Jane felt heartbroken that Maura had been dealing with this alone. Then it twigged, Frost this must have been what was going on between the two of them.

"I felt too embarrassed." Maura felt stupid even saying it out loud. Jane let go of her hand and pulled her in close. Maura resisted at first but then let her arms wrap around the detective and she sobbed, the tears came out of nowhere but she couldn't stop them.

Frost and Korsak looked at the two woman and decided that they should start processing the other bodies. The old Veteran clearly warned any officer that they would be on traffic duty if they went anywhere near that alley.

Eventually the tears stopped and Jane once again wiped them away with her thumbs. "Talk to Maur." but the medical examiner didn't answer she stood up, brushed out her suit and stated they should get back to work. Leaving the alley Jane approached Frost "You knew she was having anxiety attacks and you didn't tell me?"

"She made me promise not to. It wasn't my place to tell you." This just made Jane even angrier.

"You should have told me. Did you not see the state she was in? I can't trust you." Jane stormed away from the detective but he followed. "Stay away from me Frost"

"No you need to listen, she came to me not because she didn't trust you. She didn't want you to see her as weak. She wanted to learn self defense and until tonight it's been helping. The whole time she was worried about you seeing her as weak. Making you feel guilty for what happened. Maybe if you didn't shut her out so much she would have turned to you. We both know how you feel about her, maybe if you let her know that the only reason you survive everything is because of her she would have felt ok to be vulnerable."

She went back to check on Maura but the doctor pushed her away and said she needed to concentrate. Maura was internally berating herself for falling apart in front of Jane and she had seen the three detectives arguing amongst themselves because of her. Her weakness was affecting everyone else. Releasing the bodies from the scene, she phoned Pike to do the autopsies. Maybe she did need some time off.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hope you enjoy this update. Thank you for the reviews please keep them coming. **

_Maybe I could have changed your mind;_

_Maybe you could thought about someone else,_

_Rather than yourself, oh anybody but yourself._

Muara had slipped away from the crime scene without a word and no one had seen her since. She didn't answer her phone and Jane had staked out everywhere she thought Maura might go in the city. Her mom had been the only one to hear from the doctor, a phone call saying she was going a way for a few weeks and didn't want to be reached.

_And I know you felt lonely;_

_Yeah I know people try to get you down_

_And all around those laughing faces,_

_Single you out in the crowd_

_Oh single you out in the crowd_

Jane wasn't happy with this, she missed knowing that Maura was close by but she was worried. She hated knowing that Maura was hurting and she wanted to help. She wished she had been honest with her. Everything Frost had said was true, the only reason Jane got through the day was because of the magical Dr Isles. They needed each other, Jane needed Maura and couldn't function without her.

_I tried so hard, to help you understand;_

_To put some hope into your hands_

_And all the time, you cried and said to me_

_"Why can't everything be right?"_

_Each time I have to put up a fight_

_And the world keeps on winning,_

_Oh yeah the world keeps on winning_

_Wouldn't be a lie if I said I was missing you tonight,_

_Wouldn't be a lie if I said I was missing you,_

_Wouldn't be a lie if I said I was missing you tonight, night,_

_Wouldn't be a lie if I said I was missing you, missing you, missing you_

_Never thought that you, that you wouldn't be here;_

_Never thought that I would see these tears fall_

_And all these lonely times I'm feeling without you,_

_Knowing I don't have you through it all,_

_Knowing I don't have you through it all_

_No it wouldn't be a lie if I said I was missing you tonight,_

_Wouldn't be a lie if I said I was missing you,_

_Wouldn't be a lie if I said I was missing you tonight, night,_

_Oh wouldn't be a lie if I said I was missing you tonight,_

_Wouldn't be a lie if I said I was missing you, missing you, missing you,_

_Missing you, missing you_

Jane knew it was a long shot but she needed to find Maura and talk to her so she called the only person left on her list. "Hello Mrs Isles? Its Jane Rizzoli." There was no need to remind her who she was, how could Mrs Isles ever forget the simple Boston homicide cop who stood up to her and called her out on how badly she was treating her daughter. "I was hoping you could tell me where Maura is?" A slight argument ensued and Jane couldn't persuade her to give up her daughters location. Maura had insisted that she didn't want to be found.

Hanging up the phone, Jane pulled up the call log and began to trace the call. "Jane, I hope your not doing what I think your doing?"

"Come on Korsak, I have to find out where she is. I have a feeling she's with her mum." Jane knew she could win the old detective over, her partner always had a soft spot for her.

"I'll pretend I didn't see you do it." Korsak sat back at his desk looking back down at his piles of paper work.

Jane pulled up the address on the computer. It was registered to the Isles's, it was close enough that she could drive there within a couple of hours. Even if Maura wasn't there maybe in person she could convince Constance to give up her daughters location. Knocking on the Lieutenants door Jane planned out what she was going to say.

"Rizzoli what's the matter?" She knew from his tone it was a bad time.

"I was hoping that I could get some personal time. Use some of my time off." Handing her the request form Jane added, "To leave right now?"

Refusing to grant her leave Jane added "You need to suspend me then, I've been using police resources for personal matters. I threatened to cut of a suspects hand with a chainsaw, Just put down anything from that long list of things you had to look the other way on. I really need that time off, please sir."

For an officer to beg to be suspended he knew that she badly needed the time off "2 days that's all you've got Rizzoli. Back to work straight after and you'll do some volunteering with the community projects to make up for it."

Jane didn't even argue the last part, it was a small price to pay. Turning she grabbed the address off her desk, told Korsak to keep her updated with what was going on and headed to her car.

Jane only stopped for petrol she wanted to make the most of her time. If Maura wasn't with Constance she needed time to find her. Turning down the long track dust clouds clouding her vision Jane pulled off to the side and walked the rest of the way to the private slip road. She had always thought that Maura's house was large but what she was seeing made it look tiny. The mansion looked beautiful and off to the side she could see a mass of gardens and a lake. Then as she looked across the lawn, she could see Maura's car. She had found her, now it was just a case of getting the doctor to speak to her.

Jane knocked on the door, rang the bell, called out but nothing, nobody answered. She kept it up for over ten minutes. Walking round to the side of the house she climbed over the small picket fence, knocking on the back door and looking for signs of life but nobody was home. She called Constance's mobile but there was no answer. She called Maura's phone but it went straight to voicemail. Jane had left so many messages that she didn't bother doing it again. Jane walked around the gardens and towards the outbuilding she guessed was the guest house. Still nobody answered her knocks but peering through the windows she recognized Maura's travel bag and could see the Doctor's phone on the desk. Jane had found her, she felt relief, she had a chance. Now all she had to do was get Maura to hear her out. Jane sat on the wooden porch and waited for the doctor to come home. She said a silent prayer that Maura would hear her out, that she would forgive her for what she was about to say. She rubbed at the scars on her hands anxiously waiting.

_You used to be so close to me_

_Everything happened so easily_

_Life with you is like a dream_

_Without you there's no way to be_

_I need your devotion_

_I need your devotion_

_Ready to love but do you want it enough_

_Can we find a way to bring you back again_

_You say you want to love but do you want it enough_

_The end of us, it never hurt so much_

_I need your devotion_

_I need your devotion_

_Don't leave me in the dark_

_Don't leave me this way_

_Cause nothing's making sense today_

_I need you in my heart_

_I need you to stay (I need your love)_


	8. Chapter 8

**Thought I would be nice and give you a double update this weekend. As of monday the updates might be a little more spread out. Ive been on bed rest this week because of a knee injury but its hopefully back to normal soon so I wont have endless hours of nothing to fill with typing. **

Jane sat on the hard wooden step, she was freezing and the rain was pouring down. Her clothes were sticking to her and her hair was plastered to her face but she wasn't going to move. She rubbed her arms to try and generate some warmth as she tried to push her hair from her eyes she saw the lights go on in the main house. Finally someone was home, hopefully Maura would be out soon. Easily another hour passed as she waited never taking her eyes off the main house. Then she heard the footsteps approaching, standing up Jane turned to face Maura trying to wipe the water from her face, she knew she looked a mess.

"Jane what are you doing here, you shouldn't have come." Maura was holding an umbrella, she was shocked at the fact Jane had just turned up.

Jane was trying to pull her top away from her skin "I had to talk to you"

Maura walked closer, as annoyed as she was the sight of the soggy broken looking Jane melted her heart. "It couldn't have waited? How did you find me."

"No it couldn't, I'm a detective Maur its my job to find people." Jane knew she had said the wrong thing.

"You treated me like a suspect?" Maura was furious all she had asked for was some space and instead she had been hunted down like a criminal.

"Technically" Jane rushed forward to Maura but the doctor shrugged her off and proceeded to open the door to the guest house. "I'm sorry just let me explain."

Maura turned her face clearly displaying the anger she was feeling; "why so you can confess to having my phone tapped?"

Jane resisted the urge to say actually it was your mothers instead just before Maura slammed the door she said; "No, So I can tell you I need you, that I lo, that I can't function without you." Maura stopped from slamming the door and looked at Jane.

She had punished her enough and the sight of the detective physically shivering made her want to take the woman in and care for her. "You should come in I'll get a fire started." Jane moved into the door way feeling awkward. Maura moved around and passed Jane some towels. Draping it over her shoulders Jane tried to dry herself off. "So is that all you came here to say?" Maura's words felt icier than the chill that was covering her body.

"Aren't you going to explain why you just up'd and left." Jane realized that again she had put her foot in it. "Maur why couldn't you just tell me what was going on, I could have helped."

The fire was going but Maura didn't want to face Jane so she stayed stoking it "I didn't want to add to your stress, I thought you would think me weak. You had been so distant with me except for the night after you saved me. It felt like you were only there because you felt like you had to look after me, that I couldn't do it myself."

Jane had moved next to Maura, dripping a puddle on the floor, she crouched down to the doctor, placing her hand on top of Maura's and stopping her from stoking the fire. "You are not weak Maura Isles, you are stronger than anyone I know." Maura looked away but Jane let her hand slip under the doctors chin and kept their eye contact. "It's true, believe me. I never feel like I have to look after you, I want to. I would look after you every hour of every day. I should have never treated you the way I did and I'm so sorry about that." Jane rested her forehead against Maura's.

Maura had never seen Jane so emotional or heard her speak like this before but she couldn't say anything, she hoped that Jane would keep speaking. "I should have always told you. Your the reason I can make it through the day, when I don't have you I can't do it. You make me able to do anything, when I don't have you I'm a wreck."

"I don't believe you, you just get up and keep going no matter what." Maura was struggling, Jane's words were causing her heart to beat faster, but in a good way. She couldn't understand why this amazing woman was saying she needed her. Nobody ever needed her.

Jane stood up and pulled Maura with her and straight into a hug. Maura was the only person Jane had liked to hold in her arms, everyone else she just wanted to squirm away from. "Think about it, every thing that has happened it was always you that I went to after. You helped with my hands." Jane showed the doctor her scars "You healed me, you came and held a gun protecting me while I slept. You took away my nightmares. You are always saving me."

Maura ran her fingers over Jane's scared hands, processing everything the brunette had just said, it made sense after everything it was always her Jane turned to. "Then why did you push me away that night you just walked out. You said you cared too much, so what am I meant to do, you push me away then come and say you need me."

Jane took her hands back and hugged herself, suddenly the chill was back. "I got scared and I ran."

"Scared of what?" Maura let her arms run down the soaking wet detectives arms.

Jane sighed, she fidgeted, she had come so far but she didn't feel ready to say those three little words that meant so much. From the raised eyebrows Maura was giving her she knew she had no choice but to say them. "Scared that I have fallen in love with you."

Maura let her arms wrap around Jane, she held her close. Jane felt so stiff in her arms but she rested her cheek against the detectives. She could feel Jane soften in her arms and she let her hands caress the detectives neck.

Jane felt relief at having told Maura, but she knew the doctor was just comforting her; "I know that you don't feel the same, I wont make things weird Maur. I am sorry."

Maura let go of the detective but she didn't say a word or move. She knew deep down that she wanted this but she was suddenly frozen in place by fear, fear of the unknown, fear of what it would mean to be in love with Jane Rizzoli. Whilst Maura's mind was racing she hadn't realized that Jane had slipped away from her and back out into the rain storm. It was only the creaking of the front door that brought her back to reality.

_I should have known better_

_Than to let you go alone_

_It's times like these_

_I can't make it on my own_

_Wasted days, and sleepless nights_

_An' I can't wait to see you again_

_I find I spend my time_

_Waiting on your call_

_How can I tell you, babe_

_My back's against the wall_

_I need you by my side_

_To tell me it's alright_

_'Cause I don't think I can take anymore_

_Is this love that I'm feeling_

_Is this the love that I've been searching for_

_Is this love or am I dreaming_

_This must be love_

_'Cause it's really got a hold on me_

_A hold on me_

_I can't stop the feeling_

_I've been this way before_

_But, with you I've found the key_

_To open any door_

_I can feel my love for you_

_Growing stronger day by day_

_An' I can't wait too see you again_

_So I can hold you in my arms_

_Is this love that I'm feeling_

_Is this the love that I've been searching for_

_Is this love or am I dreaming_

_This must be love_

_'Cause it's really got a hold on me_

_A hold on me_

_Is this love that I'm feeling_

_Is this the love that I've been searching for_


	9. Chapter 9

_Turn down the lights,_

_Turn down the bed,_

_Turn down these voices, inside my head._

_Lay down with me,_

_Tell me no lies,_

_Just hold me close, don't patronize me_

_Don't patronize me._

_Cause I can't make you love me_

_If you don't_

_You can't make your heart feel_

_Something it won't_

Jane crossed the gardens and went back towards her car, she didn't even notice the rain as she ran as fast as she could. Her heart was smashed to pieces. She had just took the courage to confess her love and it had just been left hanging there. She would have been kidding herself if she thought Maura would lean forward and kiss her but she had hoped the doctor would have said something at least. From the stunned reaction Jane felt like she had messed things up for good, like she had lost Maura.

_Here in the dark_

_In these final hours_

_I will lay down my heart_

_I feel the power but you don't_

_No, you don't_

_Cause I can't make you love me, If you don't._

Maura searched frantically for any shoes that weren't stilettos she needed to chase after Jane. Pulling her tennis shoes on Maura ran, needing to catch up with the Detective. The rain was coming down hard and within moments the doctor was soaking. Making her way down the gravel track she could just about see Jane in the twilight. Shouting the woman's name but the wind carried her voice in the other direction.

_If you don't,_

_No you won't,_

_I close my eyes_

_I won't see _

_The love you don't feel_

_When you're holding me_

_Morning will come and I'll do what's right_

_Just give me till then to give up this fight_

_And I will give up this fight_

_Cause I can't make you love me if you don't_

_I can't make your heart feel something it won't_

_Here in the dark in these final hours_

_I will lay down my heart_

_I feel the power but you don't_

_No you don't_

_I can't make you love me if you don't_

_If you don't,_

Jane's body was exhausted and as she approached her car she fumbled and dropped her keys. Letting out her emotion she kicked the front tyre and hit her fists down onto the hood of the car, after three kicks she crumbled to the ground. Head in her hands. She cried with no intention of moving or making the tears stop.

_Cause I can't make you love me, If you don't._

_If you don't,_

_No you won't,_

_I close my eyes_

_I won't see_

_The love you don't feel_

_When you're holding me_

Maura watched as Jane broke and fell to the floor. She had done that. The detective survived serial killers, abductions, bullets and anything else that would normally leave a person broken and emotional. Jane had survived all of that but she was sitting broken before the doctor now. Broken because of her, broken because of love. Maura kept running, when she was close enough she called out to "Jane"

Jane heard Maura's voice but for the first time it didn't offer any comfort it caused her more pain. She began to scrabble around in the mud for her keys, ready to leave Maura behind. "Jane, please listen to me." Jane ignored the doctor all she wanted to do was leave. Maura positioned herself between Jane and the car.

As Jane stood and unlocked her car Maura wrapped her arms around the detective before she had a chance to open the door but Jane pushed her off "I don't need your pity, just let me leave." Maura put her arms strongly around Jane trying to keep her close as the detective actively tried to push her off. "Let me go." Jane pushed again.

"Just listen to me, Jane I love you." Jane kept pushing against Maura " Jane I'm in love with you" Maura kept her arms tight and felt Jane collapse in to them as the rain began to pour even harder. "I love you" Maura repeated it again and again as if it was a mantra. She could feel Jane's body shaking as she sobbed into her shoulder. Eventually pulling the detective away Maura wiped the sodden hair out of Jane's face, looking deep into her eyes she said it again "I love you." Jane didn't reply but tilting her head she locked there lips together kissing the doctor slow and passionate. Fireworks and explosions, the first kiss that fulfilled every cliche ever written but still managing to fall short of how incredible this one kiss felt. Jane let her hands travel down towards Maura's legs and she lifted her up struggling slightly but making it to the car hood where she set Maura down.

Taking a step back Jane looked at the soaking wet form of Dr Isles, her clothes sticking to the perfectly sculpted body. "You are so beautiful, I love you." Jane closed the gap and Maura let her fingers entangle into the long brunette curls and with every kiss she pulled the detective closer to her. Jane let her hands travel and explore Maura's body pulling at the wet clothes and letting her hands move underneath feeling the moist skin. As breathlessness took over Maura let her head rest against Jane's, and then pulled her into a warm embrace. Again Jane pulled her damp hair out of the way and did the same for Maura. Neither noticed that the rain had finally stopped, none of that mattered, the only thing that mattered was the two of them. Jane lifted Maura off the car hood, keeping her close she kissed her once more. "Maybe we should head back inside." Maura didn't answer but let her hand slip into Jane's interlocking their fingers and then brining there hands up she kissed Jane on top of the scar that had connected them so deeply.

Back in the guest house Jane looked for something that she could wear drying herself off and hanging her clothes on the radiator. As she pulled on one of Maura's yoga tops and bottoms she spotted sticking up from underneath Maura's bed sheets. Her Boston police t-shirt.

Maura, already dry and changed sat on the sofa sipping her merlot, Jane returned to the room "Have you been sleeping in my t-shirt?"

Maura put down her wine glass "You did a snoopy?" as a blush spread across the doctors face.

"It's snooped Maura, nobody would want to do snoopy. Good attempt at avoiding the question." Jane stood there still holding the t-shirt.

"Its been comforting to wear it, although more so when it smelt of you rather than me." Jane smiled, she liked the fact Maura found comfort in her even when she wasn't there. Standing right in the middle of the room Jane peeled off the yoga top and replaced it with her t-shirt.

Jane noted the look of Maura's face not realizing that it was actually lust "You can have it back later, your tops aren't that comfortable. Least it'll smell of me again."

"I won't have much need for it now I have the real thing." Jane beamed back at Maura then took a sip of the wine regretting it instantly. She could never get used to that taste. Jane was still shivering slightly and Maura was a little concerned "How long did you sit in the rain for?"

"Since it started to rain. It wasn't raining when I first sat down, otherwise I would have figured out a different plan. I'm glad you came back I was starting to think I would have to break in and wait for you, but that would be a little stalkerish"

Maura pushed her playfully and laughed at her "So driving three hours and sitting on a porch for an entire afternoon doesn't cross that boundary?" Jane shook her head, attempting another sip of the wine. Maura got up to put another log on the fire and then sat as close to Jane as she could get and wrapped a blanket over both of them. As Jane looked at her Maura took hold of Jane's hand. "Are you ready to talk?"

Jane let her head rest against the sofa closing her eye's and sighing a little, "Do we have to, can't we just relax and forget about everything else. Can't we put it all off till tomorrow."

Maura looked at Jane, she wished that she could but right now she had so many questions and concerns she knew she wouldn't be able to relax. "There will always be a tomorrow Jane. We need to do this now and start on the right foot. Please. I can't just switch off." She knew that Jane would wait for her to talk having shared more in one evening than she had ever done. "What we both feel for each other is more than just best friends" Jane nodded, "And I would like to take our relationship further than just friends."

Jane smiled "I thought that much was obvious from the kissing at the car?"

"Well yes, but I wanted you to know that it wasn't just a one off kiss or pity as you called it. I am simply stating all the facts Jane." Maura finished off her wine and then picked up Jane's knowing that the detective would never finish a whole glass. "What is it you want Jane and what scares you most?"

"Ok so yes Maura Isles, I would like to be in a relationship with you but I am no good at relationships and I am worried that if I mess a relationship up with you I will lose you. Also I have never been with a woman before, so that's a little strange to me. There that's everything." Jane relaxed into the cushions.

"I know your track record with relationships and you know mine but I think that we will be successful. I believe that certainly in your case, subconsciously at least you were sabotaging your romantic attachments because of your feelings for me." Maura squeezed Jane's hands reassuringly.

"Yes of course how could I have over looked those latent subconscious desires." Jane rolled her eyes slightly wondering why did she love this geek.

"They were subconscious Jane, so you couldn't have done anything about them that's the whole point." The raise of Jane's eyebrows let Maura know she had fallen again for Jane's sarcasm. "I've been doing quite a bit of research into this and I believe we have the bases for a successful relationship."

Jane interrupted "No research Maura, we are just two people in love. No facts, or case studies. Stop referring to this as successful, loving you is not some experiment."

Maura frowned a little "How do you propose we work out the appropriate way to act in situations and what we have to do then. Like work or at the Dirty Robber?"

Jane leaned forward her lips almost touching Maura's "We could always just figure that out as we go along." Jane connected there lips and it felt like heaven. As they deepened the kiss it felt like the whole world was fading away and it was only the two of them. Jane let her hands run through the soft hair of the doctor, as they pulled apart she placed kisses down the M.E's neck. "Research papers couldn't tell you it would feel that good to kiss you. As for work we see how things go, it's no bodies business but ours so when we have worked everything out and been seeing each other for a little while then we can tell the people we care about and the rest don't matter. As long as I have you no one or nothing else matters."

Maura didn't have any words she simply leaned forward and kissed Jane once more, even more passionately than before. The two woman adjusted themselves on the couch so they were laying side by side. As the kissing continued hands began to explore each others bodies. Jane pulled Maura on top of her completely immersed in the doctor, she felt intoxicated.

Maura pulled away "Mmm Jane" Jane carried on kissing her. "we need to slow down." Jane stopped herself and looked at Maura. As Maura rolled back to the side of her "I just think it would be best if we take things slowly. Do this properly, so that we don't jump the pistol."

Jane kissed the doctors cheek "It's jump the gun not pistol. So you want to date?" The doctor nodded "haven't the past three years been like we were dating?"

"Jane I'm serious we need to take this slow and make sure things happen properly. It's a significant transition from best friends to lovers" The detective dropped her head and groaned.

"It doesn't really feel like that big a gap Maur, it feels like natural progression. It feel's more right than anything I have ever felt before."

"I know but I think we should still try to do this properly. It's getting late maybe we should get to bed" Jane cheekily smiled so Maura added "separate bed's though there's another bedroom next door." Maura kissed Jane and left to go into her room.

Jane pouted and called out "I get nightmares though and you are the only cure."

Maura threw out a Jumper of her's "here, cuddle that. Night Jane!"

Jane got off the couch and went to the second bedroom "well in that case you are not having your t-shirt back." Tucked into the sheets that probably cost more than her monthly salary Jane felt emotionally exhausted, the past few hours had been such a ride that she felt completely drained except for a warm feeling inside that relaxed her, Maura Isles loved her.

Maura lay in bed trying to meditate, trying to sleep but all that she could think about was the completely and utter love she felt for Jane and how for the first time kissing somebody felt like it was meant to, how the endless novels described it. Deciding she had been too hasty to end the night, Maura got up and changed.

Jane heard a tapping at the bedroom door, reaching out and turning the bedside lamp on her heart began to hammer in her chest as Maura stood in the doorway. Sitting up slightly Jane smiled at the doctor she knew that no words were needed, not that her brain was currently capable of forming any. Maura walked towards the bed pushing the straps of her silk nightdress down. Jane could only gulp, and pushed the sheets aside giving Maura clear access to her. As Maura climbed in the bed she let the dress fall to the floor.

"Wow" was the only word that Jane could muster as Maura started to slip the Boston Police t-shirt up Jane's body and covered the bare skin in kisses.

_I'll make love to you_

_Like you want me to_

_And I'll hold you tight_

_Baby all through the night_

_I'll make love to you_

_When you want me to_

_And I will not let go_

_'Till you tell me to_

_Baby tonight is your night_

_And I will do you right_

_Just make a wish on your night_

_Anything that you ask_

_I will give you the love of your life, your life, your life_

_I'll make love to you_

_Like you want me to_

_And I'll hold you tight_

_Baby all through the night_

_I'll make love to you_

_When you want me to_

_And I will not let go_

_'Till you tell me to_


	10. Chapter 10

**Please keep the reviews coming I really enjoy reading them. Thanks for all the follows. Glad you like the story. **

"God Maura Isles, where did you learn to do that and what happened to taking it slow?" Jane was breathing hard and her ears were literarily ringing. Leaning over she kissed the now blushing Dr.

Maura rested her head on Jane's shoulder for the first time in a long time she felt safe, she felt loved and she was happy. No longer was it a mask hiding her inner demons it was true. "You inspire me." Maura cringed at how cheesy she thought that sounded but Jane just kissed her on top of her head. "It's my provocative to change my mind." She looked up smiling at Jane.

Sleep came easy for both women. The nightmares were still there, they would always be there but feeling the warmth in her arms they seemed different. That there was a way out in the end, they were bearable and Jane knew that as long as Maura was asleep in her arms she would sleep through the night. As the sunlight hurt Jane's eyes waking her from sleep she smiled looking down at Maura, the Dr was in exactly the same position as they had fallen asleep in. Jane placed the softest of kisses into Maura's hair trying not to wake her but in reply she felt kisses being placed on her chest.

Maura crawled up the bed, "Morning, I thought I was going to have to wake you." Kissing Jane and ever so reluctantly letting their lips pull apart.

Jane reached out for her phone checking the time; 10:35. She never slept that long before regardless of how late she had been up the night before, but then she had never had a night like that before so maybe for once she needed the extra rest. Jane kissed Maura again "Morning." Both woman just smiled goofily at each other not knowing what to say.

Jane could have stayed as they were all day, she hadn't felt this relaxed since she didn't even know when but Maura untangled herself from the tight embrace that Jane was holding her in. Seeing the sad look on the detectives face Maura explained; "I would love to stay here all day but I have an appointment I need to get to." Maura was already heading towards the en-suit.

"Cancel it? Please." Jane called out over the running water.

Sticking her head out of the door Maura felt guilty "I really can't Jane that would be extremely rude and it is very important that I attend. I'll bring you some fresh coffee back. Just stay and relax." Jane protested but Maura couldn't hear.

As Maura came back Jane asked if she wanted her to go as well. It didn't take a detective to note the look of panic that spread across Maura's face. As Jane asked for the truth and reminding Maura she would come out in hives if she lied all the doctor said was "I'll see you later." Jane felt frustrated being left behind.

Showering and putting on her now dry clothes Jane wondered round and explored the gardens, even she had to admit they were beautiful she just couldn't enjoy them. It wasn't in her nature, put a baseball diamond and a batting cage somewhere and then she would enjoy herself but at the moment all that was happening was her mind started running away with worries and concerns. Why couldn't Maura talk to her?

Back at the guest house Jane chose her spot on the porch step and waited for Maura to come back. Poking a whole in the ground with a stick she had found Jane didn't look up when she heard footsteps in the gravel. It was only when the takeaway coffee cup was placed right in front of her eyes did she look. Maura sat next to her and bumped against Jane in a way that had been done a million times before between them; "A penny for them?"

"A what?"

"Your thoughts, A penny for your thoughts. What are you thinking?" Jane shrugged and mumbled it's nothing. "Obviously it's something."

"Maur some big stuff has happened to you lately and you won't talk to me about it." Jane tried to search deep into Maura's eyes for the truth.

"I explained about the panic attacks why I didn't tell you."

Maura tried to take Jane's hand but the detective just held her coffee tight "It still hurts though and what about today? Where did you go?"

"It's private Jane can't I have some privacy. Please. I will tell you everything and anything just not this." Maura leaned over and kissed Jane deeply trying to take the detectives mind off her questioning. Maura put the coffee cup down and took Jane's hand leading her back into the bedroom.

As Maura pulled Jane up from underneath the sheets and in to kiss Jane responded getting lost in the sensation, as they broke apart she laughed slightly embarrassed "I guess that's something we will get better with over time."

Maura kissed Jane's blushing cheek, she loved how the detective could be so bullish and direct with somethings yet anything sex related she would go shy and embarrassed about, "We can certainly practice but I am not sure your concentration levels will be able to improve so that you are able to both give and receive at the same time, specially when our technique becomes more efficient."

Jane looked at the Dr completely stunned and tried to hide under one of the discarded pillows "Oh so gross Maur. Please never say anything like that again."

"Its perfectly.." Jane swatted Maura with the pillow to get her to stop talking.

Seeing the wall clock Jane knew she needed to leave soon "Do you want me to help pack your things up so were ready to go in a bit?"

Maura sat crossed legged on the bed holding the pillow. "I'm not leaving yet Jane."

"I have to be back at work in the morning" Jane suddenly felt like this wasn't the time to be laying provocatively on the bed. Standing up she started putting her clothes on.

"It's a shame you have to leave so early but I can't go with you, I'm not ready to be back in Boston yet."

"What about us though?" What Jane really meant selfishly was what about her.

"I still love you and want to be with you, not coming back to Boston straight away wont change that. I have some more appointments I need to go to and I'm not ready to be back at work yet."

"Oh, I just thought seen as we are ok, you could come home now."

"We are ok Jane but I'm not ok." Maura noted the confused look on Jane's face.

Jane didn't think about the next sentence out of her mouth "Is it cancer? Your not dyeing are you?"

Maura opened her arms and gestured for Jane to come into her embrace "I don't even want to know where that came from but no it's nothing like and physically I'm fine."

Jane slipped out of the embrace "physically, so its something psychological. Your seeing a shrink?"

Maura looked down she felt embarrassed she knew what Jane thought about psychiatrists it had been the mandatory counseling after Hoyt which had triggered the nightmares. Jane Rizzoli's beautiful mind was not designed to psycho analyze it's self or relive traumatic experiences. Jane was unique, things happened to her then they were dealt with and then they never caused a problem again. Until some idiot with a certificate dug everything up and tore down the detectives inner walls and failed to rebuild them properly allowing for the constant barrage of traumatizing events engulf the detective any time she lowered her guard, relaxed or slept.

"Maura you don't need to see a shrink, your not crazy."

Jane had hold of both of her hands "I don't know if that's true. Evidence would suggest that I suffered a psychotic break."

"The panic attacks?" Maura avoided Jane's eye contact at all costs. "What is it your not telling me." Jane felt concerned and she didn't understand where Maura got all this from.

"I had hallucinations as well as the anxiety."

"That doesn't make you crazy Maura, you should come home with me. We can sort it out together." Jane got off the bed and lifted Maura's case up and started trying to pack.

"Jane stop it please, I'm not leaving. I can't go home yet." Maura was off the bed and taking out the items Jane had carelessly thrown in to the case. "Your not the only one who has nightmare's Jane but mine aren't just at night. There in the morgue, in the cafe, at yoga. The nightmares come when I'm awake and the fear makes it all so real." Jane stopped and started to listen "It's like they are coming at me again and again, Dennis, Schut, Hoyt. I can be stood there and it'l feel like there hands are on my neck. That they're sitting up on my autopsy table. I'm scared all the time except in your arms andI feel like I'm loosing my mind." Maura was sat on the edge of the bed tears silently falling down her cheeks. Jane moved to kneel before her taking hold of her hands and resting her head on her thigh.

"You should have told me. I could have helped. If I'm what makes it go away then come and stay with me. I won't let anything hurt you ever again, real or in your mind."

"I shouldn't be this weak but I am and I need more help than just being around you. You can't be there 24/7 Jane, I need to learn how to cope on my own." Maura stroked Jane's raven hair. "I can't get treated in Boston Jane I would feel like everyone was judging me."

Jane sat up "No one would ever judge you Maura, but I don't think your crazy it's just stress, PTSD even." Jane took Maura's hand and guided the soft fingers over her scar. "Everyone including you was so busy making sure these physical scars healed." She then guided Maura to the scar of the gunshot wound. "They didn't take time to make sure your wounds healed. Just because you can't see the scars doesn't mean they aren't there." Jane kissed Maura's neck where the scalpel had started to cut her throat, she then kissed the still red inflamed skin of where she had shot Maura and then down to marks on Maura's wrists. "I am so sorry Maura for all this time I have thought as Hoyt as my personal demon but you were there too, you could see what I was going through, the terror the pain and he hurt you. I should have know that he would haunt you as well. I'm the cause of your scars."

Jane wiped away Maura's tears with her thumb. "Jane this isn't your fault, but seeing someone you love with all your heart go through so much and being so tortured means that every injury you get I get too, every scream you let out in the night doesn't pierce the air it shoots straight into my heart. Then there are my own traumas and anxieties too." Jane was now sitting behind Maura with her arms draped over the Doctor placing kisses on the exposed skin.

"Maura I am so sorry."

"I don't want your sympathy Jane, just your understanding of why I am not ready to come home yet." Maura awkwardly turned her head to look at Jane "promise me you will let me come back in my own time." Jane whispered that she promised. Maura lay back on the bed just enjoying being held by Jane. Half wondering if this was all the healing she needed but her logical side won out knowing she needed to stay.


	11. Chapter 11

Jane arrived back in her flat, she wondered around aimlessly. Getting a beer she took it into the bathroom and ran a bath. After a few sips she let herself slide under the water. She liked the feel of the pressure on her lungs, the way everything and everyone fell from her mind. It was just her, the water and her survival. Coming up for air Jane gasped, the air hit her lungs and Maura flooded back into her mind. One thought had haunted Jane all drive home; she was worse than the bullet. She had caused more damage to Maura than the bullet she shot her with, but what was worse is that she hadn't known the damage she was causing. Closing her eyes she thought back to the conversation with Maura.

_Here I am waiting_  
_I'll have to leave soon_  
_Why am I holding on?_  
_We knew this day would come_  
_We knew it all along_  
_How did it come so fast?_

_This is our last night but it's late_  
_And I'm trying not to sleep_  
_Cause I know, when I wake, I will have to slip away_

_And when the daylight comes I'll have to go_  
_But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close_  
_Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own_  
_But tonight I need to hold you so close_

_Jane sat up from the bed kissing Maura on the forehead. "I love you but maybe us being together isn't what's best for you."_

_Maura sat up, staring into the strong dark eyes that didn't falter. "Jane what do you mean?"_

_Putting her hand on to Maura's cheek Jane soothingly caressed the skin she had placed kisses on moments before "I mean that maybe loving me isn't the healthiest thing to do. My life is always going to be dangerous and it's already affecting you. I can't promise that nothing bad is going to happen again and I can't see you hurt. So maybe loving you means I have to let you go."_

_"You think this will hurt less? Are you just going to avoid me for the rest of your life in the hope that I fall out of love for you or stop caring. That just because I'm not physically with you everything will be fine."_

_Jane dropped her head "Maura I don't know what to do, you asked me to understand and I do and this is the only way I can think of how to protect you."_

_Maura was furious "Jane I don't need protecting I just need to be loved, by you. After that it doesn't matter what happens. Do you really think us not being together would make me stop loving you? If I was scared to be around you wouldn't I have left after the first thing, not stuck around, not insisted that I came with you to visit Hoyt in hospital, not insisted to be part of your undercover missions, not stood and watched unable to move as you were handcuffed to a bed and nearly raped?" _

_"I just want to do whats best for you Maura. I was broken long ago but I refuse to be the thing that brakes you. Because you are too beautiful for that to happen to. The life I lead has pushed you to need a shrink, loving someone shouldn't cause that to happen" Jane got up and walked to the front door Maura followed refusing to let go of Jane's hand for fear that the woman would runaway again._

_"Your not broken beyond healing Jane, you just need to give me the chance. Never have I once questioned whether loving you was the right thing to do. Don't leave, please stay with me longer."_

_Jane smiled sadly and kissed Maura deeply, as if it was the last kiss they would ever share. "I have to go I'm sorry." She knew that if she stayed any longer she would lose all strength. Laying on the bed she had finally come to understand the only thing Maura needed to be protected from was her. _

The bath water was going cold but Jane didn't care, finishing her beer she went back under the water. Knowing that her life had caused Maura pain felt like a heavy burden on her heart. Jane didn't want to change; risk was part of her job, and she loved her job probably equal to how much she loved Maura. She couldn't protect her from having to live with that risk it would be impossible unless she quit which wasn't something she would consider and she knew Maura wouldn't let her do that. Maybe it was just safer for them to end before they started. Safer to love Maura from afar rather than feeling her soft smooth skin or kiss her delicious tasting lips.

Wrapped in only her towel Jane sat in front of her laptop and searched for homicide vacancies country wide or maybe for a while she needed to become someone else. The Deep Under Cover Unit were always looking for people. Her scars at least would always betray her identity in Boston.

Maura had pleaded with Jane not to leave, not to make this decision for both of them.

_"You can't make this choice for both of us. You can't order me to just stop loving you or stop caring." Maura took Jane's face in both her hands "Don't do this. I wont let you." _

_"Maura you will understand that this is the best thing for you." Jane pulled away._

_"Your just scared Jane. You will wake up and realize the only reason your doing this is because your scared to admit that you love someone, that your as vulnerable as everyone else."_

_Here I am staring at your perfection_  
_In my arms, so beautiful_  
_The sky is getting bright, the stars are burning out_  
_Somebody slow it down_

_This is way too hard, cause I know_  
_When the sun comes up, I will leave_  
_This is my last glance that will soon be memory_

_And when the daylight comes I'll have to go_  
_But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close_  
_Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own_  
_But tonight I need to hold you so close_

_ I never want it to stop  
Because I don't wanna start all over  
Start all over  
I was afraid of the dark  
But now it's all that I want  
All that I want, all that I want_

And when the daylight comes I'll have to go  
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close  
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own  
But tonight I need to hold you so close


	12. Chapter 12

**Thank you for the reviews. I hope you like the update but please remember this is my interpretation and how I think things will happen so please be nice. **

_The buttons on my phone are worn thin_

_I don't think that I knew the chaos I was getting in._

_But I've broken all my promises to you_

_I've broken all my promises to you._

_Why do you do this to me?_

_Why do you do this so easily?_

_You make it hard to smile because_

_You make it hard to breathe_

_Why do you do this to me?_

_A phrasing that's a single tear,_

_Is harder than I ever feared_

_And you were left feeling so alone._

_Because these days aren't easy_

_Like they have been once before_

_These days aren't easy anymore._

_Why do you do this to me?_

_Why do you do this so easily?_

_You make it hard to smile because_

_You make it hard to breathe_

_Why do you do this to me?_

_To me, to me, to me._

_I should have known this wasn't real_

_And fought it off and fought to feel_

_What matters most? Everything_

_That you feel while listening to every word that I sing._

_I promise you I will bring you home_

_I will bring you home._

_Why do you do this to me?_

_Why do you do this so easily?_

_You make it hard to smile because_

_You make it hard to breathe_

_Why do you do this to me?_

_Why do you do this to me?_

_Why do you do this so easily?_

_You make it hard to smile because_

_You make it hard to breathe_

_Why do you do this to me?_

_To me, to me, to me._

The last words before she drove off echoed in her mind, she was scared. Slamming her laptop lid down Jane pushed it away from her, leaving wasn't the right thing to do. Looking at the time seeing it was already 2am Jane decided she should try to sleep. The bed felt cold and empty without Maura and as she closed her eyes trying to relax images of the doctor flashed before Jane. Finally drifting off into a fit full sleep Jane was tormented by the nightmares that plagued her but they were different to her usual dreams.

Waking up in a cold sweat, panting hard Jane hit the light and pulled her gun surveying the room checking that it was only a dream. Replacing her gun Jane picked up her cell phone 3am a little early to be making calls but it was important. Hitting speed dial 1 she knew the call would be answered out of sheer habit except it wasn't Jane threw the phone down in annoyance. She closed her eyes and tried to go back to sleep.

Maura had anguished over what to do, she couldn't let Jane go. If it meant needing to be treated in Boston she would. Knowing that Jane was hurting with the knowledge that technically she was to blame for her suffering she feared what the impulsive detective would do. Not suicide or anything like that, more along the line of requesting some dangerous assignment that would see her disappear or requesting a transfer. She knew Jane too well. Unable to let her mother down she left when the engagement was over, it was sitting and being subjected to Constance's attempts at matchmaking which helped make Maura's mind up. Jane Rizzoli was the only one for her and she would fight for her.

_You tell all the boys "No"_

_Makes you feel good, yeah._

_I know you're out of my league_

_But that won't scare me away, oh, no_

_You've carried on so long,_

_You couldn't stop if you tried it._

_You've built your wall so high_

_That no one could climb it,_

_But I'm gonna try._

Just the acceptance that she needed to fight for Jane gave her strength, she didn't feel weak or alone anymore. She knew that Jane was in love with her that was enough. She should have just left with Jane when she asked earlier. All she would be doing with the therapist was talking about her feelings, the man hadn't been apart of it, he had shown that in there first few sessions he was unable to grasp a significant understanding of the living nightmare that was gnawing away at her insides. The only person who could ever understand was Jane.

_Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?_

_Would you let me see beneath your perfect?_

_Take it off now, girl, take it off now, girl_

_I wanna see inside_

_Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight?_

_You let all the girls go_

_Makes you feel good, don't it?_

_Behind your Broadway show_

_I heard a boy say, "Please, don't hurt me"_

_You've carried on so long_

_You couldn't stop if you tried it._

_You've built your wall so high_

_That no one could climb it._

_But I'm gonna try._

This was becoming a regular occurrence walking up these stairs and knocking on this door in the middle of the night. Maura could hear Jane's flat fleet thumping across the wooden knew the gun would be drawn.

Jane checked the peep hole rubbing her eyes in disbelief. She had to be dreaming there was no way Maura was stood at her door. Hearing another knock she decided she really should open the door. "What are you doing here Maura, I thought you couldn't come back?" Jane stepped aside letting the doctor enter.

"Jane I should never have let you leave. I'm not too late am I?"

Jane was confused, still half asleep she didn't know what the doctor was going on about, "Too late for what?"

"You leaving or transferring or going undercover."

Jane looked guiltily at her laptop. "How did you know I was thinking about it?" Maura stepped forward and took her hands.

"Because I know how you think, So you haven't done anything then?" Jane shook her head. "I don't want you to. I am hear to fight for you Jane. I came back to be with you now." Maura was gripping Jane's hands tight.

"Maura who are you planning to fight?" Jane smiled at the doctor, no one had ever shown her that much love.

"You, your fears and doubts. I will protect you and you will protect me and like always we will be the perfect team." Maura leaned forward almost letting her lips touch Jane's "because we love each other and that outweighs anything bad that has happened or will ever happen." Then she connected their lips and kissed Jane deeply trying to convey all her love.

Pulling apart Jane kissed Maura's cheek "If you had answered your phone earlier you could have said all that without driving down here in the middle of the night." Maura swatted her arm playful in response. "I'm glad you came back." Jane led the woman back to her bed, smiling contently as the doctor fitted perfectly into her arms and a sense of calm washed over her.

Jane entered the bullpen and even though she had been forced to suffer the embarrassment of bunny eared smiley face pancakes she wished she could go back to them rather than face the amount of files and paper work on her desk. Actually, she wished she could go back and join the angelic form of Maura who she had left in her bed. Frost was already working "Holly shit, 2 days I was off how could this much work be on my desk."

Frost looked at her, "You look worse than before you took your time off, I guess you haven't heard then?"

"Ever the charmer Frost no wonder your still single, heard what?"

Korsak arrived back at his desk with coffee's for the three of them "That because of you handing over Paddy Doyle's little black book we have been taken off active cases for the time being and get to go through all the murders and suspicious deaths that has even the smallest connection to do with anyone named in that book."

"Your shitting me? But they have task forces for this type of thing?" Jane wished she had just destroyed that damn book, why did she have to figure out where it was.

Frost looked up "We are the task force Jane, apparently we are the only three that they are certain of have not been compromised. You shot Doyle so they know we aren't on the pay roll."

"That day is always going to come back and bite me. It's a good job Maura isn't here to see all these cases." Jane flicked open the first case file.

"Jane this is only what we could carry, there's about twenty more boxes in storage." Jane hit her head against the desk and groaned. Frost added moving to perch on the edge of Jane's desk "how is Dr Isles?"

Jane fought against saying something snarky she needed to forgive Frost, he was only trying to help. "I'm not sure exactly, getting better I hope." Jane pictured Maura kissing her, running her hands over her body before she had left for work. Both women knew that they needed to act as if they weren't together or even as friendly as they had been before. They had a lot to work through and needed to do it without everyone else getting involved. They needed to fix each other and not worry about others interfering. "Look Frost about the other day, I shouldn't have spoke to you the way I did. I was way out of line."

"I should have told you what was going on sooner, I'm sorry too." The only person Jane said sorry to was Maura, he knew an 'out of line' was as close to an apology as he would get.

Jane was seeing spots before her eyes, the case files were blurring into one. From everything she read she knew that Paddy owned more police officers than originally thought but as she looked into the victims backgrounds she couldn't help but respect the man, what he had done wasn't just or right in any stretch of the imagination, but what he had told Maura was true. Never once had he or anyone on his pay role harmed a woman, child or anyone innocent. He kept control unlike those in charge at the moment. As her concentration drifted from Paddy to his daughter Jane slipped out her phone.

_I miss you xxx_

As she hit send she laughed at how easy Maura made her lose the tuff exterior she had spent since middle school perfecting.

With groceries tucked under one arm and Joe Friday trapped between her feet she stumbled through the front door. The smell greeted her before she could fully taken in the view, her apartment had never smelt so clean neither had it been so tidy. Then she saw her, Maura was stood hair tousled up wearing an old t-shirt of Jane's and some sweat pants. Jane noticed the proud look on the doctors face. "Productive day then Dr Isles."

"Yes, very it's something I have wanted to do since I first set foot in your apartment." Jane ignored that comment giving it only a furrowed eye brow. "It was fascinating really you didn't have any of the appropriate cleaning chemicals so I had to create my own." Maura opened the cupboard under the sink to show off her creations.

"Jesus Christ Maur, you need to get out more."

"Oh that isn't all I have done." Maura walked around the flat pointing out everything she had organized, sorted and cleaned. Then she opened Jane's closet. No longer were things thrown in, everything was hanging folded and ironed.

Even the Red Sox Jerseys had been Maura'd "You really couldn't find anything else to do with your day. OMG you even did the shoe's. What is wrong with you?"

"Nothing Jane I just thought it was high time you started living like the professional you really are." Jane ignored her she was sniffing one of her Jersey's.

"Do not tell me you cleaned this."

"Of course, it was making the closet smell musty." Maura didn't understand how cleaning something could be wrong.

"Maur, that was my lucky Jersey. I wear that and we win." Maura could see that Jane was slightly annoyed with her.

"Jane clothes can't be lucky, luck is scientifically impossible." Maura was ready to list all the scientific evidence but was cut short by a snide remark that they would see how luck worked the next red sox game.

Jane felt uncomfortable in her own home she felt like she was making it untidy and seeing Maura acting like a house wife unnerved her slightly. "This homemaker act, it's not permeant is it?"

"Would that be a problem?" Jane instantly walked to the kitchen and took Maura in her arms. She understood now, all of this was away to avoid the fact that she was seeing corpses come back to life in her morgue.

"Yes it would be a very big problem, I love Maura Isles Chief Medical Examiner. I think I could end up murdering Maura Isles agrophobic house wife." Jane kissed the top of Maura's head which was becoming easily one of her favorite things to do.

"It's agoraphobic, A there's an a, agor..A..phobic." Jane scooped her arms around the google-mouth and kissed her neck.

Maura stopped talking and turned to kiss Jane, the detective smiled "Ah so that's how I get you to stop spitting wiki facts at me." Before Maura could dispute the accuracy of Wikipedia again Jane kissed her. Jane led Maura to the couch, holding her hand tightly. "I know what your doing Maura, you feel safe here and that's why you aren't going outside." Maura looked down to the floor. "If you don't go outside things will never get better, it'l just stay bottled up inside." Maura tried to slip her hands out of Jane's but the detectives were too strong for her. "We will do this together, one footstep out of the door at a time." Jane hooked the lead to Joe Friday's collar, "Come on lets go." She pulled Maura up off the couch and protectively let her arm slip around the doctors waist and guided her out into the fresh Boston air.


	13. Chapter 13

Jane emptied the contents of the tupper-ware container into the bin, it was far too green for her to even eat. She loved having Maura back with her, and everything seemed great besides the fact the doctor was driving her insane. Each day she came home to something new. First she had humored Maura knowing she needed an outlet for that giant sized brain of hers, Two weeks however was too long and she needed her Maura back not this impostor.

First it had been Jam making, a traditional English institution apparently. That was fine but now an entire shelf in the fridge was filled with the stuff. Then had come more cleaning and organizing, Maura had even brought storage boxes and draw dividers. Jane was used to throwing her clothes in a pile and sorting them in her own time, now they were scooped up before they even hit the floor. Now Maura had become obsessed with organic baking and ethnic recipes, none of which Jane wanted to eat.

Maura hadn't ventured back to her own home since she returned from her mums. She was adamant that nobody could know she was back and that had started to take it's toll on the Detective. The only reward for doing paper work was to be able to enjoy a beer at a reasonable time but the beer didn't taste the same without Maura sat in the booth besides her. Jane loved Maura, she finally understood just how much she loved her. She decided it was time to force the doctor out of her hideaway.

Jane talked to Frost and filled him in on everything only neglecting to mention that her and Maura are now an item. "I don't feel comfortable doing this Jane."

"You hacked the FBI! A fake email is way easier than that." Jane beamed across the desk at him and knew he wouldn't say no.

"It's done, Pike should be leaving in the next hour. Maura is officially now back at work."

They had been taken off desk duty that morning having cleared most of the back log for Paddy's murders the rest could be done in between active cases. So it was just a waiting game now for that call to get Maura back to work.

Jane sat at the table watching her food fly around the plate as she chased it with her chopsticks. Giving up she stabbed her chicken with the end of the chopstick. Feeling smug she looked up to see Maura giving her a disapproving look. "What it was getting cold."

"If you used the appropriate technique you would find it much easier." Maura demonstrated again. The truth was Jane had mastered chopstick's years ago but the injury to her hands made it hard to use them. She found it easier to play the fool rather than have Maura watch her struggle or worse to admit how much pain her hands still caused her. There were many things she avoided doing so that nobody would detect her weakness.

Then Jane heard it. The simultaneous ringing of both her's and Maura's phone. "Rizzoli, okay just give me 10 minutes." She watched Maura argue with the person on the other end of the phone.

"I have not returned to work!" Maura's heart started to race as she was being informed that she would have to go to the crime scene. Jane reached across the table and took her hand whispering it would be okay.

Jane moved around the table and took Maura's phone out of her hand "Dr Isles will be there in 10 minutes."

"Jane no, I can't" Maura felt the start of the panic attack grip her. Her chest tightened and she felt like the room was closing in on her. It all stopped though because Jane held her tight and told her she could do this. That this was what she did best. Jane promised to not leave her side.

"You can do this." Jane didn't give Maura chance to panic or think of an alternative solution. She guided the doctor outside and into her car. She had planned a head and collected the M.E kit and stored it in her trunk. The entire drive to the crime scene Jane didn't stop telling Maura that she could do this, that she wouldn't leave her.

Jane carried the kit and kept Maura close to her with her arm wrapped tightly around the doctor. Approaching the body Jane set the kit down getting the gloves out. She took hold of Maura's hands and put the doctors on for her. "They suit you better than the washing up gloves." Maura smiled back at her. "Just take it slow, I'll be here. Maura you told me you do this because you speak for the dead. They need you, this child need's you. Your the best at this. Think of all the people you have given a voice to that would have gone unheard without you."

Jane's pep talk triggered something in Maura, no matter what was going on with her the innocents needed her and she had been letting them down. As if the fear had never existed Maura slipped into the familiar routine. As Maura examined the body Jane crouched besides her trying to establish there usual dead body banter. Failing to get even the smallest acknowledgement from Maura she simply offered encouragement and provided the smallest but most loving of touches to the doctors lower back.

Hidden from view Jane pulled Maura into a loving embrace. Jane kissed Maura quickly after checking no one could see. "I'm so proud of you." Maura just buried herself into the taller woman's shoulder.

"Take me home please, back to my place." If she was going back to work then she needed her own wardrobe, tonight she had made do wearing what she brought back from her mothers, but it was time for Maura 'runway model' to come back.

Jane smiled and in a slightly huskier voice than she expected said; "I thought you would never ask."


End file.
